THERE were understandable concerns raised by both parents and pupils as the school was plunged into darkness earlier in the week. The Headmaster explains:
It goes without saying that energy security, and by that, I mean lighting, heating and the running of all electrical apparatus, is a key priority for all of us at Rayner’s Lane. I was as surprised as anyone when, in the middle of Monday afternoon, things stopped working – and no, I do not mean the staff.
I was engrossed in preparing an important talk to fellow educationalists from the European Schools’ Institute when suddenly the screen on my Jingye all-steel laptop went blank.
At first, I naturally assumed that it was some sort of small technical glitch, but on talking with a few colleagues I was told that there had been some highly unusual atmospheric conditions earlier in the day which had caused havoc with the school’s Thunberg Unicorn Mk 1V generators.
Further investigation by our knowledgeable head of climate studies Mr Miliband revealed that the earlier brief shower followed by sunshine resulted in what is referred to meteorologically as an ‘Ibericus Maximus Blackoutus’. This phenomenon is seen perhaps once a century and is something no organisation – let alone a small school such as Rayner’s Lane – could adequately foresee.
Without wishing to alarm pupils, I thought it prudent to implement our well-rehearsed disaster recovery plan. This detailed protocol has proved its worth time and again. While it is true that during the glandular fever epidemic which surfaced some five years ago we felt it necessary to jettison some 99.9 per cent of agreed strategy, the power outage provided an ideal opportunity to resurrect this sensible scheme.
Using the school’s tannoy, I uttered the coded phrase that alerts all staff to an impending catastrophe: ‘Would Mr Lineker please bring the flag of St George to the Headmaster’s study immediately.’
This seemingly innocuous request sets in train a well-ordered procedure. Ms Rayner immediately assumes day-to-day control of the curriculum, while I lock the school down and don some pseudo-military paraphernalia denoting that we are in ‘crisis mode’.
However, no sooner had Ms Cooper mistakenly arrived with 50 yards of St George’s-style plastic bunting when I received a call on my big red telephone from the Governors, informing me that the emergency was over, and that Rayner’s Lane could happily revert to ‘normal updated teaching system’ or as the teaching cadre call it, NUTS.
Whilst this incident was somewhat alarming, I think that the school, parents and pupils should take heart that we have in place a practised routine that demonstrates robustness under duress. I was further delighted to learn that despite what Mr Miliband incorrectly told me, the whole debacle was attributable to something called ‘inertia’.
Certain individuals might immediately associate this odd term with its rather dusty lexicographical definition: ‘resistance or disinclination to motion, action, or change’. Quite clearly this description would be woefully out of place in a go-ahead seat of learning such as Rayner’s Lane – our track record in putting pupils’ welfare first underscores the inappropriateness of such a misguided sentiment.
‘Inertia’, in this instance, is an extremely problematic scientific principle. For those seeking further clarification, I suggest that they steer well clear of Mr Miliband, or ‘Muddlehead’ as he is now known, and instead talk directly with Mr Lammy who has a good grasp of the complicated theorem.
Thank you Headmaster. We are indeed fortunate to have such a competent and level-headed individual leading the school.
