LORD Hermer, or as some pupils mischievously refer to him Tricky Dicky, has led the 6th form Law Studies module with great flair. A popular character who endears himself to all and sundry, he could often be seen between lessons eccentrically sporting a full-bottom wig that he purchased at a charity shop.
Recently however he gave an impromptu talk to the influential Friends of Rayner’s Lane Society in which he went slightly off piste addressing Human Rights and the role that the European Schools Alliance plays in this. Whilst most people realise that the School’s signing up to this important charter has delivered multiple benefits over the years, there has recently been some disquiet expressed, with suggestions that the interests of Rayner’s Lane would in fact be better served by exiting this obligation.
Warming to his theme, Lord Hermer extemporised and unwisely suggested that those clamouring for such a de-coupling were in fact nothing better than unreconstructed Nazis and would have no doubt been first in line denouncing their neighbours. The silence that greeted this observation was telling and should have given him pause for thought. Misreading the room entirely, he regrettably went further, proposing that those calling for an exit were the sort of people who would not think twice about stringing up dissenters with piano wire.
With lukewarm applause greeting the end of his talk, that should have been the end of the matter, but some malcontents leaked these details and predictably a chorus of ill-informed extreme right-wing opprobrium was directed at the School, requiring the Headmaster himself to intervene.
Having discussed the matter with Lord Hermer in his study, it was agreed that an apology was in order and Lord Hermer was happy to oblige – releasing the following communique.
‘If a load of right-wing thickos got the wrong impression from my recent talk, all I can say is tough. OK, maybe I was a bit clumsy in my choice of words, but quite frankly the level of stupidity that exists . . .’ Owing to editorial constraints we have had to cut short Lord Hermer’s comment.
The Headmaster responds:
‘Richard, thank you for releasing such a heartfelt and fulsome apology. We go back a long way, and I know full well that absolutely no offence was intended in your fascinating talk. Interested parties might like to book tickets for your next lecture under the intriguing title “Giving it all away”.’
Helpful advice
Ms Rayner has been an absolute star in her role as Deputy Head. With a keen eye for fashion and a gifted orator, she has wowed Mums and Dads as well as pupils. What a pity therefore that her popularity has gone to her head and she has recently been involving herself in areas that, quite frankly, she has no knowledge or credentials to comment on.
Rayner’s Lane has, by common consent, one of the most sought-after Bursars in the educational world, in the shape of Ms Reeves. With a background steeped in economics, she has proven to be a blessing, doing sterling work in stabilising our somewhat precarious finances – something she deserves great credit for.
Quite why Ms Rayner felt emboldened to put forward some hare-brained suggestions on improving the school’s fiscal standing – ideas that looked as though they were from a Christmas cracker from the 70s, is and will remain a mystery. This odd behaviour follows on from some anecdotal reports of Ms Rayner hanging around dressed inappropriately in a gown and mortar board – accoutrements that are solely the Headmaster’s preserve.
Charitably, we think that Ms Rayner is simply going that little bit further in her duties, but we respectfully suggest that she ‘checks her privilege’ as the modern expression goes.
And finally . . .
There were celebrations yesterday at the news that the Combined Cadet Force will be receiving a huge cash injection. Mr Healey, who oversees this much-admired part of school life, has confirmed that boys and girls will no longer have to make do with broomsticks and similar implements for defending Rayner’s Lane. In their place will come a raft of hi-tech cyber-related defence systems including the impressive all-terrain Miliband Leopard battery-operated tank alongside the Hi De Heidi Assault Rifles with infra-red night vision sights.
We look forward to testing these new additions shortly.
