FOLLOWING the Prime Minister’s baffling decision to dispose of the Chagos Islands, other islands are in danger of being disassociated from the United Kingdom. TCW has investigated the reasons why the following may be at risk.
The Channel Islands
At the age of nine, a young Sir Keir was taken on holiday to Jersey by his mother, Josephine, and father, Rodney, the now-famous toolmaker. At the time of his visit, the war in Vietnam was raging and the young firebrand was determined to show his solidarity with the Vietnamese people by restricting himself to a small bowl of rice each day. However, his pleas were ignored, and the child was fed the renowned local potato with meat for every dinner. The resulting tears, and never-ending arguments about potatoes and rice, cast a dark shadow over the holiday, leaving the Prime Minister with a jaundiced view of the islands.
It is believed that negotiations have been put in hand to transfer Jersey, Guernsey and Alderney to France in exchange for their help in deflating six or more dinghies. Herm and Sark are to be raffled to raise funds for the Labour Party.
Skye
In his early teens, Sir Keir spent a miserable week on this Scottish island with young comrades from the Woodcraft Folk. It rained incessantly. Our leader was bitten mercilessly by midges. The showers were cold. The children spent their days rambling, whittling and listening to lectures about Rosa Luxembourg and other revolutionary heroes. The only reading matter he had available was Das Kapital and a copy of Toolmaking for Boys that his father had sneaked into his backpack.
Following this dreadful experience, the young Communist developed an enduring hatred of the place. Lord Hermer is rumoured to be negotiating with China about the long-term future of the isle.
Isle of Wight
The Prime Minister’s antipathy towards this island stems from a caravan holiday he took with his family when he was seven. His father spent the whole week in the caravan engrossed in magazines such as Toolmaking Today and Tomorrow and Toolmaker Monthly. The unfortunate boy was dragged around the island by his mother who wanted nothing more than to visit dress shops. One day, after trudging through the streets of Newport, she treated the lad to an ice cream and a packet of Spangles. Unfortunately, Sir Keir was laid low the following morning with a severe case of diarrhoea and spent the rest of the week in the caravan with his father, who talked incessantly about the best way to maintain the headstock on a lathe.
It is understood that the Prime Minister intends to auction the Isle of Wight despite Ed Miliband’s desire to turn the island into a giant solar farm.
Tristan da Cunha
This island evokes painful memories for Sir Keir. As a pupil at Reigate Grammar School, geography was never his favourite lesson. He was able to locate all the states belonging to the Warsaw Pact but none other. He has bitter memories of being humiliated by his geography teacher, Mr Drumlin, who asked him to point to the isolated South Atlantic outpost on a globe. When the boy randomly placed his finger on the Aleutian Islands, he was struck by a flying duster and given extra homework. He has never forgotten his abasement and now has an aversion to mention of the island and of small hills.
The Prime Minister has asked David Lammy to find out the location of the island and dispose of it in any way possible. The Foreign Secretary is attempting to contact Mr Drumlin.
Treasure Island
When he was a boy, Sir Keir’s reading preferences revolved around books relating to Hegelian dialectics and historic statistics of production at the Dzerzhinskiy Tractor Plant in Volgograd. Occasionally, his father would try to expand his range of interests by giving him books about his favourite tools and, occasionally, an adventure book. One example of the latter was the classic Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. Because the cover picture did not inspire the boy, it remained unread.
However, the thought of taking other people’s assets from a casket overflowing with gold coins made a lasting impression on the young Communist. With the national debt approaching £3trillion and the prospect of billions more needed to pay for the arrival of thousands of ‘doctors and engineers’, Starmer has asked David Lammy to work with Rachel Reeves to locate the island, discover if it has UK affiliations and, if so, find the treasure before selling the island.
