TCW has once again heard from the UK’s leading crisis thespian, Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite. Following his disappointment at being turned down for a role in a police recruitment promotion series – his hopes have been dashed in a further blow which he relates here.
AS A SON of Thespis, it is necessary to become acquainted with the vicissitudes of cruel fortune. As our great Bard himself wrote…
When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate . . .
I have taken great solace from reaching the pinnacle of the crisis acting profession and I am not normally inclined to ‘beweep my outcast state’, but a recent incident has inflicted upon me great distress.
I had just made a delivery of kedjenou to a band of young men from the Ivory Coast who had found themselves in a nearby Holiday Inn, when my agent, Irene, asked me to attend an audition for a television advert for Magic Mould Remover spray. Naturally, I thought the audition would be a formality having previously successfully extolled the virtues of Rapid Rat Remover and Brilliant Bug Beater.
My performance in the audition was superb. I had spent many days at Rada finessing my spraying technique and I eviscerated the mouldy wall with aplomb.
You can, therefore, understand my chagrin when I learnt that the role had been given to a young man of colour who had recently arrived here on a dinghy from Mozambique! Apparently, his name is Joshua and his only previous acting experience had been as a shepherd in the nativity play in his school in Nampula. I was told that MouldGone Inc have mandatory quotas to meet and despite my experience and expertise I had to be cast asunder in the name of fairness and equity.
There can be few in the acting profession who have done more for persons of colour and those young men fleeing persecution than I! I spent hours perfecting kneeling for BLM, I performed a stunning monologue from The Seagull at the Gunnersbury Refugees Welcome Weekend, and I offered my box room as an abode for one of the destitute newcomers should the luxurious hotels overflow.
Now I find that my kindness and sacrifice has been flung in my face.
As ever I take comfort from the wisdom of dear, dear Dame Judi. I recall the words she used when she came to Rada to judge the prize for the Lady Gaga Award for Satanic Symbolism: ‘Dear boy, we are but flotsam in a raging ocean. Be a darling and see if you can find a bottle of stout and a Wagon Wheel, I have an audition to play Ena Sharples next week.’
Although I may now ‘look upon myself and curse my fate’, be reassured that Erasmus Demosthenes Hepplewhite will not be bowed by this unfortunate experience. Like a coiled spring he will unwind at the first inkling of a crisis and be ready to once more play his part in terrifying the great unwashed.
