A crisis in metalworking, a new sporting trophy and price rises in the tuck shop – it’s been a hectic few weeks at Rayner’s Lane, the UK’s foremost comprehensive school.
AS PUPILS both past and present will know, Rayner’s Lane has emphasised the importance of practical training, especially for those of a less academic bent. Woodwork and metalwork (not to mention toolmaking) have long been staples of this credo. Sadly, the cost of these courses has increased exponentially – not least during the pandemic. Some years ago, we decided that the construction of a small blast furnace would be beneficial in supplying the day-to-day needs of the metalworking faculty. Whilst this facility has proven useful over the years, we can no longer ignore the substantial costs in keeping it running 24/7. Despite the kind sponsorship of our Chinese friends at Jingye, it is with regret that the school will be closing this down.
STOP PRESS: The Governors have convened an extraordinary meeting to discuss a potential fundraising round to forestall closure . . . watch this space.
Right on cue!
The VIth form boys’ common room has long had the use of a pool table. More recently, pupils have organised an official tournament with teams of two participating in knockout rounds and a grand final. Unsurprisingly, the VIth form girls’ group complained that this was both sexist and discriminatory.
That is why we were delighted to instigate the first female-only pool tournament which took place last week in the illustrious surroundings of Founder’s Hall. In a nail-biting final match, pupils and staff watched on excitedly as two teams valiantly battled it out for the glory of winning the freshly inaugurated ‘Ladies Pool Champion’s Cup’.
Commiserations to Tiffany and Charmaine for putting up a brave performance, but you were beaten by a more in-form team – hearty congratulations to Nigel and Brian!
Sweet treats
We understand there have been some fluctuating prices concerning a number of favourites in the tuck shop. This is due, in part, to trouble with our wholesaler Trump’s Treats, who have temporarily introduced a dynamic pricing strategy. We hope that this is merely a short-term blip and that costs will settle down shortly. The Headmaster, mindful of the importance of this, has thoughtfully suggested that individual teachers should be charged with monitoring costs of particularly popular lines.
Ms Thornberry will be responsible for acid drops (or Nugee’s nuggets as they are sometimes called), whilst boys and girls worried about the escalating costs of Flying Saucers should talk with Mr Miliband, who has a firm grip on such matters.
Fun, fun, fun!
Speculation regarding plans for the disused area behind the car park has been wide of the mark. It is not, as thought, to be used to build a new detention centre, but something of far greater value to the school. In conjunction with an American investor, we will be building the largest theme park to be seen in a school setting. In 20 years, pupils will be able to enjoy the thrills and spills of Reeves’s House of Horrors and Cooper’s Hall of Mirrors.
Recycling news
Some parents have been complaining about the mountains of black refuse sacks which have been accumulating around the school’s perimeter. This is nothing to worry about and is merely part of the school’s drive to go carbon-neutral. The sightings of ‘rats the size of cats’ are totally ludicrous as is the complaint of a nauseating stench. We will be monitoring social media closely to make sure such misinformation is not perpetuated.
Documentary screening
The Headmaster has requested that all pupils are shown a forceful documentary which he recently saw himself. Effervescence is a hard-hitting portrayal of the dangers to children of being exposed at an early age to the toxic and malign influence of liver salts. Whilst some might feel that this is an unnecessary and nannying approach to an inconsequential matter, Mr Starmer has insisted that this initiative is both needed and timely. Please note that this item will no longer be available in the first-aid room.
Finally, the Headmaster offers a seasonal message: ‘As we enjoy the sunny weather and the school takes a break for a few weeks, we reflect of the importance of this time of year. For many parents and pupils, it will be a time to reflect on renewal and redemption – something I wholeheartedly agree with. So, whether you are a devout indulger, or perhaps someone who merely partakes at certain times of the year, may I take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy Chocolate Egg Festival.’
