‘A DAY to remember’ and ‘Better than VE Day’was how many politicians referred to the masterful dynamic reset that Sir Keir Starmer has painstakingly negotiated with the EU. Despite the odds being stacked against him, and a right-wing media determined to portray this long overdue refinement as being some type of half-baked sell-out, the Prime Minister has delivered an outstanding and comprehensive agreement.
There was an outpouring of emotion from Land’s End to John O’Groats as church bells pealed and relieved citizens hurriedly arranged street parties to celebrate this momentous occasion. Hastily constructed bonfires of Brexity things burned long into the night as revellers took in the significance of what had been announced.
Remoaners are now Rejoicers, and there is a new optimism today as people enjoy just what this historic accord means for them. Cheaper electricity and gas are the first things they will notice, with monthly bills tumbling. The thorny question of immigration has finally been put to bed and economic security has taken pride of place with the Stock Market surging as details of Starmer’s ‘win-win’ package filtered through.
Taxpayers will be delighted to see that the famous financial black hole bequeathed by the Conservative Party has been eliminated. Not only that, but it is widely thought that the new era of unbridled economic prosperity will see tax rates substantially reduced.
As with all EU dealings, a certain amount of horse trading and last-minute glitches threatened to derail this important treaty, but with goodwill all around and a willingness for a bit of give and take, common sense thankfully prevailed.
Britian’s fishermen hoisted the mainsail and poured a tot of rum at the good news that once again they will be seeing their continental compatriots in their waters. Many have long lamented the disappearance of the elegant beam trawlers from our waters and industrialised fishing methods, so we say a cheery Hola Señor Haddock and Bienvenue Monsieur Bass to our near neighbours once again – Happy fishing!
It was celebrations all around as Britain’s defence chiefs realised that they were now under the control of the EU top brass and their streamlined chain of command. The deal sensibly requires Britain and the EU to ‘standardise’ mutual defence systems and ensure ‘greater interoperability’.
If all this wasn’t enough, we can be hugely grateful that the youth of the UK have not been overlooked. In a masterstroke of diplomacy Sir Keir has skilfully engineered a ‘youth mobility scheme’ which will allow adolescents up to 35 years of age to enjoy the myriad job opportunities that Europe has to offer. Alarmist talk of an uncapped scheme being ‘immigration by the back door’ is, of course, wide of the mark and merely scaremongering.
Summing up this landmark pact, Sir Keir said: ‘In this time of great uncertainty and volatility, the UK will not respond by turning inwards, but by proudly taking our place on the world stage. strengthening our alliances and closing deals in the interests of British people.’
Only a fool could disagree with that sentiment.
On other pages:
Can Brexity things cause cancer? P2
Was Brexit behind Strictly curse? P6-14
My Brexit diet hell P16
Why Brexit fashion makes you look frumpy P21
